a colored spectrum

last few nights

last few nights were really grey times of my recently sweet gay life.

for those who have known me for last 9 months, would probably have known what kinda abuses and emotional scarring i have been through...
for the past 3 nights, i wasn't thinking much about the past, but more so, how the past pain's are hindering the much-welcomed progress in my present life.

being not able to walk out of the dark shadows of one's past is a torturing self-confusion. every ounce of happiness and liveliness being sucked dry out of you. there is no hope in the heart, only total despair and disappointments.

my question to myself is:

How does life carry on from where you fell?

i have to pick myself up from where i fell. being cheated, betrayed and disheartened is not a reason to not walk of one's sorrows and depression. Life has to go on. i may have fallen, but i will recover from that fall. there's a good 60 years of journey to make down this long road!

Can i give up on myself, my hopes, my dreams and my loved ones now?

the answer is NO!

i cannot give up on myself. i must have faith and confidence in my abilities, make bright dreams and big plans for my future! i have come so far, put in so much effort and achieved quite a bit of glitters so far already.

Can i give up everything i have gained just because of one fucking bastard who screwed up my life?

No! i am in fact glad that it happened early in university and not when i am working in the society. take it as an expensive lesson and move on. lesson learnt. fears aside, walk on with courage and positivity!

Can a person live without dreams and hopes?

the answer is NO!

without dreams, you don't know what you are working towards, or what you are even working for!
without dreams, you are a sailboat without knowing where's the call-of-port or anchor point!
more so, you are a vangabond! that was me.
i was a drifting piece of wood, flowing with the currents; a sailboat without the guidance of the distant lighthouse.

without hope, life no longer holds any meaning.
without hope, life is just a monotonous existence in that particular block of space and time.
that was me, i used to live without hopes and dreams, to keep all emotions and feelings at bay.
i dared not hope for anything, anything at all. may it be with relationships, friends, studies. whatever. there was no 'hope'.
i lived in this neutral mode, no happiness nor sadness, no excitment or boredom. like a zombie, living from day to day, in this monotonous lifeless existence. nothing to look forward to. wished that i could just be knocked down by a car and put an end right away to all my miseries.
yes, i may club drink and have fun. but that is not happiness. that is not hope.
that is just a waste of my youth and money.

Hope means to look forward to something good, something exciting, something fun.
good and bad happenings have equal standing in occurance.
why not hope for delightful experiences to take place? why do people always think in the negative direction?

i did the same in the recent past.
i always thought of the "what if...", "but....", "cannot happen..."
so negative! so depressing! is it too much to ask for all the good tidings in life? is it too much to want to be a happy person? is it a sin to be free of emotional abuses and just breathe in the fresh air? why was i always pre-empting unfortunate events when they seem nowhere near?

Hope in the heart puts a smile on the face.
God.... i have a small problem.
Problems, i have a big God!
believing in Him, taking that initiative to reach out, putting in the concrete effort to make things better... is then what a Christian should be doing, instead of wallowing on one's miseries!
God would only help those who help themselves. He can only do so much. i have to give myself a chance! to be who i want to be, to achieve what i set out to do. to do God's work, walk in His footsteps.

Can i let my loved ones down?

No! i want to be able to provide them with the best i can afford.
i don't want my parents to slog at age 60. i will love them to stay at home, do gardening, do artcrafts, play with their pets! i wanna be able to send them on a vacation to Prague and live in the Ritz! they put in so much hopes on me, the day i was born, the celestial heavens cheered, my parents provided so much for me. a firm shelter over my head, fine clothes, good food and a complete education. in return, i have that responsibility to provide for them when they are aged. and i want the best for them, like they have done so for me.

i want to able to provide well for my children as well. let them learn the violin, pottery, go on field trips, study overseas if they are brilliant enough, let them eat good food so they would grow strong. i don't want my children to not be able to fulfil their dreams and ambitions. they have the talent and the potential, i as a mother is responsible to groom them to the best they can be!

yes, i may be faced with alot of complex difficuties and problems at home now.
my parents are one source of worries, the slow global economy is not helping,
my grandmother's health is deteriorating daily, she is getting old. i have so much to worry about, yet i am helpless. what can i do? i currently is unable to work and study at the same time. i can't help my Dad clear his many debts nor provide the home with a stable monthly income. my Mum is far away and i don't really know how she is coping. what if she gets into any accident or loses her job, then would take care of her? i still have to repay my bank-loan when i graduate, that is provided that i manage to find employment. there are so many things boggling me down. there is no one day i cannot think about such problems, well, i guess it happens when you grow older, these responsibilities would come. it is tiring. it drains me of my energy. i can only do so much. to juggle academics, household chores, parental concerns, and take care of grandma is enough to take up alot of my time. i need to devote time to spiritual developements, i need time and space alone to develop my character. i need monetary funds to socialize and hang out with friends, enjoy small luxuries like coffee at Spinelli's in the mornings. is that what undergrads are supposed to be tied down mentally and emotionally with or are they supposed to just enjoy the last phase of their academic life before they step out into the unsheltered real-world, dog-eat-dog society?

What can i do?

to put in my best efforts in everything i do now, manage my time and finances well.
chart out my progress, set a few goals, be disciplined with myself.
setbacks are fine, encourage myself to propel on. never lose my focus and be filled with hope.
every effort reaps rewards. believe in yourself. God sent you with a purpose in mind.
apply His teachings in my daily life, watch my words and actions, be a better follower of Christ.
make use of my few talents, God bestowed them for a purpose.

Dedicated to the one special diamond twinkling in the dark velvet skies:

everyday with you, is a blessing, is a joy. i don't ask for more.
i have made you elated, contented, depressed, and worried.
i have irritated you and pissed you off. i have made you laughed, and feel loved.
i am trying to be independent, but i am also dependent on you.
in fact, i need you to be around.

your encouragements give me warmth. your hugs give me reassurances and security.
your brain-fucking sessions late at night forces me to come to terms with reality and realize what is important, what i should prioritize, what should i be sensitive about, how i should change my attitude towards certain issues.
your smiles tell me that there is always someting to be cheerful about.
no matter how tired you are, you would send me home, put me to bed before making your way home.
your concern for me lets me know that, i matter nothing at all to the rest of the world, but i am the world in someone else's life.

so far so good life has been.
i do hope that i have been a loving, sensible and understanding girlfriend.
although i can joke about good looking guys, flings and one night stands, fantasizing about threesomes in bed (me and 2 men)... that's just chatting for fun. nothing serious.

though you can be moody when you get insufficient sleep, get disheartened when you know that i am in trouble and you cannot do anything to help. spend long afternoons watching silly cartoons at age 22, tell nonsensical jokes in class, scold vulgarities at bad drivers, bitch about people whom you can't stand big time..... that's you.

you are indeed imperfect, but it is your flaws which makes you human. a perfect human.
loving a person is like a packaged tour, the good, the bad, the frustrating..... they all come together.
we are all human.

Joshua, thank you for everything. you may not be able to help me in many cases, but i am thankful for your ever-presence and unfaltering attention and love showered. that is all i ask for, that is what i am granted.

Love them for who they are, their strong points and their weakness.
you cannot change them, you cannot change yourself much either.
accept and accomodate. cherish the times spent together. be appreciative for all they have given.

*Disclaimer*

the above article is non applicable on the numerous bastards, cheats of all sorts, traitors, 2-timers, sluts, immatured adults looking for juvenile relationships, mother-fuckers, scumbags. ie. people you wished were never born. May they burn in hell. May their descendents suffer from genetic defects and perish in the human race in the most terrible manners of death. May their ancestors have no one to visit their graves.

in my own sinful thoughts, i am directing the above hatred to one bastard by surname of Lim. God Almighty is fair. you will burn alive in purgatory without forgiveness and grace. even if you become baptized Christian, you would still not be cleansed of your sins for your heart lives an evil poisonous egoistic serpent.

posted by Veen @ 05:19